Monday, June 1, 2009

The Sex Life & Times of Ellie Maybe

My hormones were raging at the dawn of the internet
Watching porn on a PC my mom couldn't control yet
Cybersex wasn't great, but it did pass the time
And put all kinds of thoughts in my pubescent mind
I was the queen of the dorks with no friends in school
But in my role-playing game I was sexy and cool
Dungeons and Dragons be damned, this shit was text-based
I was an elf with a rack and blonde hair and a mace
Met a mage in the game with wisdom (plus five)
In my twelve years on this earth I'd never felt so alive!
We courted in bracketed actions in chat
Until the day he showed up in a cowboy hat
Ugly as sin in real life, it turned out
(Remember, this is before scanners were around)
But teenagers did as teenagers do
He stuck it in and I sat it through
I disposed of the rubber beneath my bed
To be discovered weeks later by our Basset Hound, Fred
Some years down the line begging change up on Clark
I met this short little fuck whose skin was so dark
That boy was a jerk, though at first he seemed sweet
Put his dick in my ass; couldn't sit for a week
With that having failed, I started anew
With a few more bruises and a new trick or two
Then came the time where I turned seventeen
Got my first fake ID and I hit up the scene
I met this dear soul: a deejay, a hottie
He fucked me real well and then vanished without me

My heart broke apart in post-pubescent pieces
Yet the hormones filled each crevisse, all the cracks and the creases
I moved on like a champ and made lots of new friends
With whom I spent one night and never saw again

Despite all my conquests, I was so fucking broke
Getting laid, getting drunk, my goals were a joke
I went home with anything that might buy me a drink
Or leave their blow unattended by the bathroom sink

Spreading my legs was a skill, not a chore
It's pretty apparent I was an exceptional whore
So one day I came down off my high and my pedestal
I swallowed my pride and a cocktail with Advil

I checked out the paper, found an ad that seemed promising
"Classy ladies only," it must have been calling me
Classy I'm not but easy I can be
I'll be damned if I can't make a buck off my pussy

So I got me a job and I worked for a bit
Sucking dick, getting fucked, by old fat sacks of shit
As one might imagine, the novelty wore through
Though I had the cash to pay for things like rent and coke and food

It was taxing in the end and I finally had to jet
For an even worse reason than previously expressed
See, I'd found a boyfriend who disapproved of my job
Though years later I'd find him surfing classy ladies dot com

He was weak and a weirdo, what a terrible lay
But he treated me like crap, so he was there to stay
He ignored me and left me to abort his fetus
I suppose my womb was fair game as a prostitute reject

He wouldn't take my calls or see me in public
So of course, I fell harder, a glutton for punishment
It took nearly three years before that trickled off
My heart, sure it hurt, but his dick had gone soft

He was a passionate phony and a shell of a man
So I got back my confidence with his best friend
In the meantime I'd gone to get tattooed
By a guy so fucked up that he prayed in the nude

He was abusive, aggressive, but would you believe it
It turned out that that was just what I needed
He pulled my hair, slapped my face, threw me out at 4 A.M.
So I slashed his tires, fucked his wife and now we're good friends

As one might expect, I moved on pretty quick
To a movie director with a fat little dick
I mean this thing looked like a frog - so short and so wide
And the son of a bitch wouldn't put it inside

I got two months in before I just gave up
I like getting licked but I'd rather get fucked
This started a pattern of fooling around
With a handful of men who just wouldn't get down

One of whom I found oh-so-sexy
A little bit chubby, a little bit messy
Mysterious and strange and sweaty and sweet
This one for sure was coming home with me

But no, he's an idiot, he doesn't take hints
He'd rather talk music and weather and gin
I asked him one night to stay out for a drink
And what did that silly little man think -

A drink is a drink and he's already drunk
You goddamn fool, I just want to get fucked
Well, I got what I wanted, it just took a few weeks
The best sex of my life and plenty for me!

I suppose I've calmed down now, after all why bother
To run with the tramps who all play one another
When the dick that I need is right by my side
And this one is hanging on for the ride

Over the years, I've had some trials and tribulations
I've caused breakups and barfights and ejaculations
And sure, there are a dozen or five I've left out
But the value is in how it all came about

As a whore and a drunk I've made myself quite a name
Banned from clubs, banned from men, banned from some baseball games
It hasn't been easy being the community slut
Nor digging myself out of that little rut

But in the end, it is true, my regrets, they are small
'Tis better to have fucked a lot than to never have fucked at all

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